Hello, I’m Chef Agatha, proprietress of the Dharma Café!
Now, I don’t know exactly who this Jessica Freely person thinks she is. She seems to be under the impression that she created me. That’s ridiculous. I’ve been alive so long my first period was Jurassic. If anything, I imagine I created her.
However, she is a nice girl, if a bit mad, and sometimes it’s just best to humor people, you know? So here I am and I have to say, I’m very glad I came. Coffee and Porn in the Morning! What a great idea! Thank you so much, Heidi and Marie. It’s a thrill to be here, certain persons with certain delusions of godhood aside. I’m very much looking forward to meeting all your friends. 
Apparently Jessica has written a book about my waiter, Samura, and my busboy, Charlie. I’ve read it and I have to admit, I rather like it. There’s more about that later — a blurb thingy and an excerpt.
It turns out Jessica’s written quite a few books. You’ll have a chance to win a free copy of one of them if you leave a comment to my post and share with me your favorite food. I love to talk about food.
I wondered what to write for this post. I thought, what can I possible tell you that would be anything like as good as simply cooking a nice meal for you? Nothing, really, but the thing I like the least about the internet, apart from pop-up weight loss ads, is that it’s impossible send food through it. So I decided the next best thing will be to share one of my recipes.
I made these eggs for Charlie his first morning at the Dharma Café. They really did help him feel more at home. He was so frightened and suspicious, the poor boy. But who can blame him? Parents like that… well, never mind. Here’s the recipe:
Scrambled Eggs with Salami and Chives
serves: three
6 eggs
1/2 cup diced salami
1/4 cup chopped chives
If you haven’t already, dice the salami and chop the chives. Put a cast iron pan on the stove and turn the burner on to medium high. Break the eggs in a bowl and take out three of the yolks. Tell yourself this makes the dish healthier even though you are cooking with salami, but save the yolks for Secrets of the Universe Sweet Dough. We’re all going to die sooner or later anyway.
Sauté the salami in the pan until browned and crispy. Remove and blot on paper towels. You can never have too much justification when it comes to salami. Turn the heat down to low. Drain some of the fat from the pan but leave enough to cook the eggs in.
Beat the eggs until frothy and mix in the cooked salami and the chives. Season with salt, pepper, and trust. Serve with hash browns and needle Charlie about his situation, but not until the poor boy has had something to eat.
So there you have it. Thank you so much for visiting me today, and thank you to Cup O Porn for hosting me. Below you’ll find an excerpt from Jessica’s book, Dharma Café, and please, don’t forget to leave a comment with your favorite food, or recipe if you wish. You’ll be entered to win a free copy of one of Jessica’s books.
Love and salami,
Agatha
Dharma Café Blurb:
At a magical restaurant where good food heals the soul, a waiter and a busboy fall in love. But each has secrets and in the dangerous world of food sorcery, secrets, and french fries, can kill.
Buy Link: http://www.loose-id.com/Dharma-Cafe.aspx
Jessica Freely’s website: http://jessicafreely.com
Excerpt:
Samura tried to focus on the meal, but it was difficult with Charlie there, devouring his food as if someone might take it away from him at any moment. This guy had no respect, not for Chef Agatha or the Dharma Café or even—Samura flinched as a stray crumb of salami went flying across the table—for himself. “What are you, a swine? Show some reverence for this food Chef Agatha has prepared.”
“Back off, Miss Manners. I’m hungry.” Charlie brandished a fork at him. With his black eye and split lip, he looked savage. What had happened to him, anyway? Samura was about to ask when Chef Agatha spoke.
“There’s more where that came from, Charlie dear. Take your time. You don’t want to make yourself sick.”
Charlie dear? “Yes, haven’t we cleaned up after you enough already?”
That actually caused Charlie to pause in his chewing and drop his gaze to his plate. His cheeks turned pink. Good, he should be embarrassed. Samura couldn’t suppress a little smile.
“Now, Samura,” said Chef Agatha. “You know that wasn’t Charlie’s fault; it was ours.”
Instantly, Samura was the one staring at his plate, his face hot with mortification. Of course Chef Agatha was gentle about it, but there was no ignoring the disappointment in her voice. It seared him to the soul.
He closed his eyes, and the darkness he had fled from so long ago crowded in upon him once more. Despite all of Chef Agatha’s careful work, it was never far away. Now, just because of a mild rebuke, justified and delivered with kindness, it threatened to engulf him. Would he ever be worthy?
Strong, wiry arms wrapped around him, and Chef Agatha’s warmth and light flooded in to drive away the dark. “It’s okay, Samura. It’s okay to make a mistake, remember?”
That was right. He knew that. Why couldn’t he ever remember it? How many times did she have to tell him before he got it right, not just in his mind, but all the way through? He nodded, and she released him and went back to her seat and continued eating as if nothing had happened.
Charlie stared at Samura. He must be wondering what on earth was wrong with him.
Samura forced himself to meet Charlie’s gaze. “I’m sorry I tried to embarrass you for getting sick and that I called you a swine. You’re hungry. I shouldn’t fault you for that either.”
Charlie looked wary at first, then gave him a little smile and said, “It’s okay. No big deal.”
Samura nodded and looked back at his plate but not before he caught sight of Chef Agatha, beaming. She was proud of him! Even if he were blind to all energies, he’d know that. It poured from her like light from the sun. It warmed him through and through. Okay. He was okay.
* * * *
What on earth was wrong with this waiter guy? Just like before when they were upstairs, he was a total bitch to Charlie. Then, the minute this Agatha lady said the least little thing, he completely caved. Charlie thought he was going to start crying right there at the table. Was he afraid of her? Did she beat him or something? But he was a giant and she was tiny, and besides, she seemed really nice. Plus she made the most amazing scrambled eggs with salami, exactly the way his Grandpa Billy used to, with the extra-crispy hash browns on the side and everything. Charlie forked up another mouthful and forced himself to chew slowly, savoring the food. Samura was right about that, at least. This meal was too good to just gobble up.
As he swallowed, a sense of ease washed over him. At Grandpa Billy’s house, he’d always felt like he could relax and just be himself. Funny how eating the same kind of food could bring those feelings back so vividly.
And it was a good thing, because pretty soon, they’d be done and it would be time for him to move on. To what? He didn’t want to think about that. He took another bite of eggs.
When Samura finished eating, he took his dishes to the sink and then started clearing away the pots and pans.
Charlie was just polishing off his hash browns when Agatha said, “So, Charlie, why are you homeless?”
Charlie dropped his fork. “What? How do you know that?”
Samura paused in rinsing a bowl and watched them.
“Well,” said Agatha, “You were hungry enough yesterday to go Dumpster diving, and today, you haven’t once asked about calling home.”
Charlie stared at her. Her expression was pleasant, her tone gentle, but her eyes watched him with a piercing shrewdness that seemed to see all the way down to his soul. He didn’t like the feeling it gave him. It made him feel exposed. “That’s none of your business, is it? You said you wouldn’t charge me for this meal, but if you’ve changed your mind, I’ll…” What? How would he pay her?
“Don’t be silly. It’s not about that. Remember when I told you that the Dharma Café is here to help people? Well, the more we understand about your situation, the easier it will be to give you what you need.”
“What I need?”
She nodded.
Charlie glanced at Samura. He stood at the sink, watching Charlie. For once he wasn’t scowling or glaring. He was just…looking, and it made Charlie feel almost as exposed as when Agatha looked at him. “Well, no offense, but I don’t see how health food is going to help me much.”
Agatha and Samura exchanged a glance and smiled. Charlie hesitated. He wanted to tell them more. He wanted to tell them everything and then blubber and have this nice old woman give him a hug the way she had Samura. But he didn’t really know them. He had to be strong.
And anyway, even when you thought you knew people, you didn’t, necessarily. He’d thought it would be okay to come out to his parents after what happened at school, and that had been the biggest mistake of his life. Besides, he didn’t want Samura to see him in a moment of weakness.
Only hadn’t Samura already been up half the night with him while he puked his guts out? Agatha too. Well. Okay, he’d compromise. “I got kicked out of the house for fighting at school. I’ve got no money and no job, and…” He trailed off as his voice failed him, and his eyes started to sting. Oops, too far. He was about to lose it. He stood up and pushed his chair in, focusing very hard on the task in order to get himself under control again. “Thank you very much for this meal. It was wonderful. And for taking care of me when I was sick last night.” He risked a glance up at Agatha and then Samura. “Both of you. I appreciate it.”
Samura gave him a curt nod, picked up the frying pan, and started washing it.
“That’s okay, Charlie,” said Agatha. “If you really want to return the favor, you can work here.”
Clang! Samura dropped the frying pan in the sink. He glared at Agatha with the same expression he’d had when Charlie had accused him of poisoning the food in the Dumpster. An instant later, he pivoted on his heel and fled the kitchen. His feet hammered against the steps as he ran upstairs.
“Oh dear.” Agatha sighed. “I’ll go talk to him. Will you wait?”
Charlie was in no hurry to go back out to wandering the streets. “Sure.”
Heidi Cullinan
Marie Sexton
Evaine
shawnyjeann
Oh that sounds wonderful! Thanks for the excerpt and the egg recipe…. Yummy! I’ll have some now please!
You’re welcome, Vicki! I hope you enjoy them.
So what’s your favorite thing for breakfast?
Favorite food? Ummm… Is chocolate a food? Okay, okay… Chinese food has been a favorite for a long time. I love the different flavors they put together – sweet, spicy, sour. Just wonderful! However, I’ve recently moved from a very small town to a large city and there are so many more ethnic foods here. I’m trying all of them and, who knows, I may decide on a new favorite food!
So, do you consider coffee to be food? The way my husband brews it, I can break off a piece and gnaw on it like jerky, so I think it probably should be considered food. Does it tell you anything about our combined cooking abilities that the jerky-coffee is probably the best thing to eat around here? Oh well, we all have different gifts.
Your book looks great!
Hugs,
Donna
OMG, Donna, I had to come and respond to this comment. LMAO at coffee-jerky.
When I was in college, I did TaeKwon Do, and every summer we would have mountain training camp, which was basically TKD boot camp, running around in the mountains, freezing our asses off, kicking things and hurting ourselves. There were generally only about three women and twenty to thirty men, and yes, we had jerky-coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner pretty much the entire weekend. LOL. Although I do sort of miss being a lean, fit, bad-ass, I really don’t miss mountain training camp, and I especially don’t miss the coffee!
Wow! This sounds like a good read. Please throw my name in the hat.
OOPS! Forgot to add my favorite food, which is a toss-up between chocolate & cheesecake.
Oh, dear…we have to name one, as in singular? Well, I love Vietnamese food (singular).I love a medium-rare steak. I love dessert (singular). I love banana pecan pancakes with banana syrup. I love quiche. I love eggs over-medium. (Does any one share my grief over how hard it is to get an over-medium fried egg in a restaurant? Apparently, it’s almost impossible!) I love so many things. I refuse to discriminate and pick one. It’s like trying to pick one single favorite author. I would crash and burn!
This sounds like a fun read – please count me in.
As for a favorite food – just about anything chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Ooh and bread…
Coffee and chocolate are definitely foods! Perhaps even more than foods. Reasons for living, at times, I’d even say.
Donna and Marissa, thank you so much for stopping by. I love Chinese food! I once made Drunken Chicken for Carrie Nation. That might have been a mistake.
Courtney! Thanks for visiting. I’m glad you like the sound of Jessica’s book. What do you like to eat, dear?
Oops! @Courtney, our posts crossed in midstream!
How about Chocolate Cheesecake? http://allrecipes.com/recipe/chocolate-cheesecake/
Melinda, you sound like a woman after my own heart. Those pancakes sound incredible!
I have no doubt you are correct about the difficulty of over-medium eggs, but I assure you, if you came to my restaurant, that would not be a problem!
Hi Devon, thanks for coming by. Consider yourself counted in.
Chocolate… I’m sensing a theme. Nothing like fresh baked bread though. Hmm…
http://bit.ly/wHSFc6
That’s the wonderful thing about cooking — endlessly adaptable!
Hmm. (makes note of homeless hungry boy getting fed. :>p ) I love mint chocolate anything. Ice cream, Oreos, hot chocolate. . .put mint in it and nom nom nom.
Oh, look who discovered the reply to individual comments button. LOL. Actually, I think I’m doing pretty well for someone who was in menopause during the Sack of Carthage.
Hi Evey! Yes, you’ve picked up on that little predilection of Jessica’s, haven’t you. I suppose it’s inevitable she’d wind up writing about my restaurant.
Chocolate and mint, huh? Noted.
http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/001370.html
I can’t wait until tomorrow! Congrats on your upcoming release
How about two breakfast? Yesterdays was yummy. I made hashbrowns, bacon, eggs, & biscuits. I haven’t done that in forever & it sounded real good. I made up the hashbrowns & then put some in my eggs as I was scrambling them & added some shredded cheese. I think I might start doing that once a month.
One of my old favorites, even though I haven’t made them in a year or two is pancakes. When I make them, I add a ton of vanilla and cinnamon. You don’t even need surrup with them, just a little bit of butter.
Brandi
Scssugar(at)yahoo(dot)com
Mmmm. I love a classic American breakfast like that. And your pancakes sound magical!
Jessica – can’t wait to see more of the book! I can’t believe I haven’t read any of your stuff yet.
As for my favorite food… it may be simple, but I love authentic freshly-baked, still warm French baguette… with a side of olive oil and salt. YUMMMMMM YUMMMMM.
Oooh! Baguette. You’re right. You can’t beat a good simple loaf of fresh bread!
You know, Charlie sometimes fancies that Samura smells like fresh bread. No wonder he finds him irresistible.
I just love good food.
Collards, pork roast, a good rare steak…mmmm!!!
I had some wonderful collards the other day. With bacon and vinegar. Mmmmm.
Thanks for stopping by, Jason!
Thanks for the excerpt! This marinated pork is to DIE for! Yummy! Pair it with garlic mashed potatoes. Enjoy!
OceanAkers@aol.com
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/marinated-pork-tenderloin/detail.aspx
Thank you for sharing that, Juliana! It looks delicious, and very similar to a recipe Jessica’s mother used to make, called Rosewood Tenderloin. She tells me it was a family favorite!
Favorite food. I started to say anything I don’t have to cook but most of the time it’s not that bad but when I get to go out to eat I love to have a good piece of prime rib cooked by a professional. Well I need to go because tonight I’m making a family favorite bow tie pasta with altrado and Italian sausage.
Your pasta dish sounds delicious Katy. I’m a big fan of sausage, even though I know how it’s made. LOL.
Nicely seasoned prime rib is hard to beat too. Especially with Yorkshire pudding. Mmmm. Is it dinner time yet?
Thank you for stopping by!
Homemade Chinese food is my fave but I rarely make it because it’s so labor intensive and cherry pie is my fave dessert
Now I have to go make something because I’m hungry!! Thanks for the post – very entertaining 
smaccall AT comcast.net
Thank you Sarah, I’m glad you enjoyed my post. Stop back later and tell us what you made!
This sounds amazing … May have to try the recipe
Sarah S
Thank you! You should definitely try it.
Thanks for visiting.
Love the excerpt! My favorite food is beef tenderloin med-rare, yum
talia628@yahoo.com
I’m so glad you enjoyed the excerpt. Samura and Charlie are such dears. I do hope they learn to get along, don’t you?
Great excerpt…but *sigh* another book to add to my overflowing TBR pile!
Right now my favourite food has to be crusty, fresh bread! And it’s so easy! No fuss, very little muss and the results are amazing!
No Knead Bread http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/08/dining/081mrex.html
Oooh! Thank you for the recipe, and for stopping by today. I’m having a ball meeting everyone and talking about food and sharing recipes. I’m hardly even put out with Jessica any more.
My favorite foods are…Pickles and potatoes. Not together though:-) I think I’m going to go eat now.
That would make for an unusual combination, Randi.
I love pickles, though there’s one in particular I’d steer clear of if I were you. Oh, wait, that doesn’t happen until near the end of the book.
…
Never mind.
*whistles innocently*
thanks for the excerpt. Yea new books to read.
My favorite food is scrabbled eggs with green peppers and ham with cheese melted on top. I sometimes add shredded potatoes.
Thank you for the recipe
Lisa
You’re welcome Lisa! I hope you enjoy Jessica’s book.
Your scrambled eggs sound delicious. I’ll have to try them some time soon.
Thanks for visiting!
Thank you Lisa! It is wonderful how there is always something new to read, isn’t it?
Your scrambled eggs sound great. I’ll have to try them sometime soon!
My favorite food is…well, food, really. Especially food that I didn’t have to fix, although I do try to only fix stuff that I love to eat. I don’t think I could pin down any one thing as my top favorite. Although I will say that I make a mean fricassee and I can do some truly droolworthy things with bread dough.
Mmmmmm… Fricassee…
Thanks for another one to go on my wish list. My favorite food is custard in its many forms both sweet and savory. Creamy rice custard, custard pie or quiche, yummy and soothing. Someone earlier mentioned bread and chocolate, I wonder if they have had chocolate croissants. Those are so so good, especially warm with some good coffee. I must go raid the refrigerator now.
You’re welcome Nancy! It’s lovely how there are always new books to read, isn’t it?
You hit a nerve with me with custard. I simply adore creme caramel.
Yes, I’m getting hungry too. LOL
I adore Jessica’s books and Dharma Café sounds like another winner. My favorite food varies depending on the mood, but right now I would kill for some salted chocolate caramels. Or even some chocolate covered gummy bears. Could just be a Monday thing.
Oh, I just thought of something. Years and years ago I used to get chocolate covered gummy bananas at the corner store. I can’t find them anywhere. If anyone knows of a source I would be forever in their debt.
I did a search and found lots of chocolate covered bananas, and some gummy bananas, but alas, no chocolate covered gummy bananas.
So sorry.
Come to my café some day and I’ll make them for you.
Thank you Susan, and I know Jessica appreciates your kind words too.
Have you ever had Jeni’s Ice Cream? They have a salted caramel that’s amazing!
http://www.jenisicecreams.com/products/Salty-Caramel-Pint.html
Thanks for the excerpt!
haha… Dharma Café sounds great! I can hardly wait!!
Hmm, my fav. food is Lasagna.
Enjoyed the post!
Judi
arella3173_loveless(at)yahoo(dot)com
You’re welcome Judi!
You know, Jessica’s husband is in complete agreement with you regarding lasagna. He has sampled it in many forms all over the country and even, once, in Scotland, where it was made with cheddar cheese, but, apparently, was one of the best he’s ever had.
Send me a map and I am so there. Maybe I could have some eggs too?
Yes, yes! It’s the best! lol..
Oooh~ and that is so awesome. ~wistful sigh~ I wish I could try tasty lasagna from all over… >3> *pout*
lol
I loved the excerpt. One of my favorite foods is meatloaf.
Thank you for stopping by Sherry!
Meatloaf can be so comforting. Nice choice.
Sounds lovely! Count me in for the giveaway contest for Scrambled Eggs please
Thank you Kris! And thanks for stopping by.
Would you like to share a favorite food or recipe?
Thanks for the idea! The book looks really good.
My favourite real is kidney bean lasagne, which doesn’t sound great but is delicious!
I’ve never heard of that before. Sounds fascinating!
You win!
Congratulations, Dianna!
Please email Jessica at jessicafreely at gmail dot com with the title of the book you’d like and your preferred file format. You can browse a list of her ebooks here:
http://www.friskbiskit.com/books-by-jessica-freely.html
I’m a couple hours late getting here, but wow–that book sounds awesome! And I’ve never thought about putting salami in eggs! My favorite TYPE of food is seafood like crab, lobster, and shrimp. But I eat almost anything!
Kyreadinggirl
Kyreadinggirl@yahoo.com
I love seafood too! Here’s a recipe for scallops that’s a favorite of mine. Amounts aren’t set in stone.
Scallop Salad with Wasabi
Fresh or frozen scallops, steamed
Baby Bok Choy, chopped
Grapefruit, peeled and cubed
equal parts mayonnaise and yogurt
wasabi
Combine mayo and yogurt with wasabi paste to taste. Combine with other ingredients and serve chilled. Great for the summertime.
That looks awesome! I will have to try it, although I believe my friends have warned me about Wasabi! That is something I have not yet tried! Thank you so much!
Samura and Charlie sound sooooo edible! YUM YUM! My daughter makes the most delicious Tres Leches Cake. It’s so moist, every slice you cut leaves a delicious puddle of milks at the bottom of your plate. It is definitely NOT for the dieter since it’s a very rich (but not overpowering) cake and easy to make.
~Rush~
Wow. That sounds so good!
Thanks for visiting, Rush!
Sounds wonderful. Love your books, Jessica, and this one seems to be no different. I look forward to reading it. Thanks so much for sharing
Thank you for stopping by, Linda. I know Jessica appreciates your kind words. We both hope you enjoy Dharma Café!
I’ve had a wonderful time here at Coffee and Porn in the Morning. Big thanks to Marie and Heidi for hosting me. I understand you are celebrating the blog’s first birthday very soon. I wish you many, many happy returns of the day, and an extra large slice of cake for each of you.
And I also want to thank everyone who came to visit. You really made it a delightful experience. The only trouble is that now I have to forgive Jessica for sending me here in the first place. Turns out I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
Love and Birthday Cake,
Agatha