I’m hit and miss on catching up on twitter, so you can imagine my relief when I caught a link to LA Witt’s blog post, “I used to work in porn. Now I write erotic fiction. Why “Mommy Porn” makes me see fifty shades of red.”
Every publisher/publicist I know is (wisely, I concede) milking the lightning-struck cow that is Fifty Shades of Grey for whatever they can. Every romance author, however, is puking, and not all because they don’t like the book (though many don’t). What we’re objecting to is the horrible label mommy porn.
We don’t like it here at COP because we can spot a degrading label when we see one. For me it’s mostly annoying. It makes me think we’re tittering at titties and pee-pees under a blanket with a flashlight, not appreciating a nice fat cock. It, like Fifty Shades, hints we can only have naughtiness when we’re infantile enough to call it naughtiness, when we’re lured into sexuality from the safety of our virgin or marital palaces, not leaping into it of our own accord because raunchy and erotic can be fun.
For Marie, however, it just got personal. She wrote one of Total-E-Bound’s Clandestine Classics because it sounded like fun and because like any good m/m author could see the slash Verne laid the rails for. She’s had a tumultuous six months and was looking for something different, something lighter and brain-releasing, and this seemed to fit the bill. “I thought my fans would get a kick out of it the same way undead fans were tickled by Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” she told me. Then she woke up to angry tweets and links telling her she was writing mommy porn and being called out on the Ridiculist (et tu, Anderson?) for trying to cash in on Fifty Shades.
Both Marie and I were trying to figure out how to vent our frustration over the issue, and then God bless Lori, she did it for us. We’re reposting her lovely blog with her permission. May you enjoy.
(Also: when you’re done with Lori’s post, read this one. OMG, I love this woman already.)
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Pic from Reckless Reading blog. Many thanks, and nice blog! Librarians RULE.
I haven’t publicly weighed in on anything relating to Fifty Shades of Grey, mostly because everything I have to say has been said a few dozen times over. I have a problem with how BDSM is portrayed in the story, I find the publication of fan fiction (especially when promoted as such) to be unethical, and the male protagonist makes my skin crawl as much as the man he’s based on, etc.
But that’s not what this post is about.
This post is about “mommy porn.” I don’t know who coined the term, and I’m not going to Google it to find out because it really doesn’t matter, but I will say this: the term bothers me to no end. It does. It drives me batty.
Now, I don’t have a problem with porn. As many of my readers know, I did a stint as an editor for an adult film company in the late 1990s. I do not have a problem with porn. These days, I make my living writing erotic fiction. When I first started writing erotic fiction, people giggled behind their hands a bit, but for the most part, didn’t give me too much hell for it. In the last few months, though, I’ve had more than a few people suddenly eye me like they did back when I would tell people I worked in porn. Because I’m not “writing romance” now. I’m not “writing erotic romance.” I’m “writing mommy porn.” Ten years and some change after I left an actual porn company, I am once again a pornographer.
What I write and what I used to edit? Ooh, boy. Those are two very different animals. The company I worked for produced sex-positive porn involving people who were couples in real life, and it still — at least to me — lacked the emotional depth of an erotic romance. Of course it did. Watching a porno of two real people who have a real relationship is essentially taking a sex scene out of a real-life romance and experiencing it by itself. Without the back story, without the connection with the participants, without any emotional context to make it more than just a sex scene. To me, that’s the difference between erotic romance and porn. In one, people are performing. In the other, they’re connecting.
But honestly, that’s just splitting hairs. One man’s porn is another man’s erotica. And I really wouldn’t have a problem with people calling erotic fiction “porn” if it wasn’t for the stigma attached to the word. Especially in American culture, porn is bad. It’s dirty, and not in a good way. It’s not something respectable people create or consume. It’s a word that is spoken with a sneer and a wrinkled nose, and it’s not by accident that that derision implies that the production and consumption of porn is shameful. Shameful for men, but even more so for women.
And now, with this latest trend, we take it a step farther. In my opinion, calling erotic fiction — whether we’re talking about Fifty Shades or anything else — “mommy porn” is degrading to both the producers and consumers of erotic fiction. Just think how creepy it would be if we called something “daddy porn.” To me, mommy porn has roughly the same ring to it. It just sounds squicky…which is, I think, the point. And that bothers me.
Honestly, it sounds to me like the literary equivalent of slut shaming. ”You’re reading porn?” ”You’re creating porn?” And, especially in our culture, “You’re reading/creating porn? But you’re a MOMMY!” Because porn is dirty and taboo, and as a mommy…well…how dare you? It’s bad enough for a woman to be indulging in such garbage, but you have children now. As a MOMMY, what right do you have to read something naughty during that hour you get to yourself while your kids are napping in the other room? What is the matter with you, lady?
Here’s the thing. It is the 21st goddamned century.
NEWS FLASH, AMERICA:
WOMEN HAVE SEX DRIVES.
SOME WOMEN LIKE SEXUAL MATERIAL.
SOME OF THOSE WOMEN ARE EVEN MOTHERS.
MOTHERS ARE STILL SEXUAL BEINGS EVEN AFTER THEY HAVE PRODUCED CHILDREN.
So when it comes to the label “mommy porn”, I get mad not because it’s somehow degrades my art form, or because of some kind of snobbery in which I, an erotica author, look down at porn. I get mad because I’m sick and tired of it being commonplace and acceptable to shame women — especially mothers — for having real, natural, healthy sexual desires, and for wanting to read or view material that caters to that.
Oh, and last I checked? Most “mommies” got that way by having sex. And you know what? I’d wager that a good percentage of those women enjoyed it. So who are we to shame them for wanting sex, enjoying sex, and reading about sex?
Think about it.
L.A. Witt is an abnormal M/M romance writer who, after three years in Okinawa, Japan, has recently relocated to Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, two cats, and a three-headed clairvoyant parakeet named Fred. There is some speculation that this move was not actually because of her husband’s military orders, but to help L. A. close in on her arch nemesis, erotica author Lauren Gallagher, who has also recently transferred to Omaha. So, don’t anyone tell Lauren. She’s not getting away this time…Marginally Unhinged, My Webcomic: http://marginallyunhinged.blogspot.com/ Amazon’s Author Central: Lauren Gallagher & L. A. Witt
Heidi Cullinan
Evaine
Marie Sexton
Shawny
What a great post! Thank you for saying what so many of us think and feel. What I read is my business and no one else’s. It offends me when someone puts down my reading material be it vanilla romance or erotic romance. I won’t criticize your reading choices as long as you don’t criticize mine.
50 Shades of dismay. Haven’t read them but it annoys me that people think the author invented erotica. The good thing: the spotlight is on other authors who are finally getting recognition from all the articles – if you like 50 Shades you’ll like… etc. I hate the expression mommy porn like erotica romance has no plots. People shouldn’t judge what others are reading. Rant over.
I’m sorry Marie is getting some negative backlash. I really can’t wait to read the two m/m ones. I’ll see about the others. lol I’m excited about this and I bet more people who have never read the classics will pick these up. I know there are a bunch I haven’t read, but I’m tempted to now.
I’m not fond of the Mommy Porn label either. I did look at the new stories. My favorite was the one on Channel 4, I think that’s it, in England because they actually had someone one FOR the books talking as well.
The comments on some of the on line news stories just made me shake my head. There will always be people hating. *sigh*
Reblogged this on The Amazon Iowan and commented:
What Lori said. In spades.
Yeah, such a double standard. Porn is bad, but everyone is buying 50 Shades at Walmart where the books are available next to the kiddie section. It’s such a juvenile mindset. Point fingers and giggle at those reading it, then run to the bathroom and lock the door and pull out your own copy. Are you 12?
I’m really over 50 Shades, it’s just EVERYWHERE. Like that song on the radio they play every 45 min until your ears start bleeding. Even tonight while brainstorming titles for my tattoo short story with my 17 year old daughter, she suddenly exclaims “50 SHADES OF INK!!! Yes, use it.” Um. No. I’d rather poke my eye out with a spork.
You SO get bonus points for spork.
“Point fingers and giggle at those reading it, then run to the bathroom and lock the door and pull out your own copy.”
Exactly! It propagates the idea that enjoying sex or sexual content has to be a dirty little secret.
Actually, I saw a woman at the pool today, reading a paperback of 50 Shades. Right there at the pool, at this family vacation spot. Not an ebook. Not with a book cover. Not even trying to hide it. Just reading it right there for everybody to see. I kind of wanted to give her a high-five, not because I care about the book itself, but because it felt like she was boldly saying, “Yeah, I’m reading it. Fuck off.” And no matter whether I like the book or not, I respect the kind of person who doesn’t give a rat’s ass what everybody else might think.
Dear Lori,
You are my newest woman crush. If one of us were a man, I’d spirit you away for a forced seduction ala Rrosemary Rogerrs, then marry you.
You. Fucking. Rock!
VJ Summers
http//www.vjsummersand smut.wordpress.com
I have avoided the 50 Shades book because of all the crazy hype. To paraphrase a previous comment “I’d rather poke myself in the eye with a foon.” And the label “mommy porn” just reeks.
Interesting post! Curiously, what annoys me about the term ‘mommy porn’ isn’t that it labels my reading as porn. I don’t have a problem with that, because, frankly, that’s what I’m calling it anyway, in my head as well as between friends who are into the same kind of stuff.
No, what has me halfway between angy and amused is that ‘mommy porn’ sounds so much like ‘not real porn’, ‘not to be taken seriously’, ‘harmless because it’s for women, for “mommys”, even’. ‘Mommy porn’ implies that there is a ‘real porn’ that is still for men; that, no, women aren’t really into ‘porn’, they aren’t really a threat to this utterly male domain.
The term is somewhere between playing it down and ridiculing it, which shows quite well that the fact that women are interested in sex is still a taboo in mainstream culture.
Ditto on the 50 Shades avoidance… I had to roll my eyes at a co-worker last week when she was waxing poetic about the whole stupid thing and how “naughty” she felt for reading it.
Her: *titters behind hand*
Me: *gags… and not because I tried to swallow too much cock*
Excellent interview and post. The first time I heard the comment “mommy porn” by a co-worker I got into an argument…I was completely floored and mad (for lack of a better word). I personally was insulted that the erotica books or M/M books that I read were being considered porn by some. As far as I was concerned their opinion did not matter to me just their repressed attitudes! Don’t knock it ’till you try it! I read what I want to read.
Yvette
I find the dirty little secret issue hilarious. My aunt called in a panic a month ago because she’d just finished the first book of 50SG and they were sold out of the second one at her local book store. She wanted to know if I could check mine to see if they had a copy. So I went, and there it was, of course, on a display right at the front of the store, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of, right? I picked it up and went to stand in line to pay. The woman in front of me had the same book in her hand and she perked up when she saw me and said “Didn’t you just love it?”. I smiled and explained to her that I was buying the book for my aunt. She smiled back and said “Oh of course, “your aunt”.” and practically tapped her nose as if we were all in on some funny secret. I wanted to correct her. I wanted to tell her that this was one of the least raunchy titles I’d bought in the past year. I wanted to tell her that the friends I knew who read actual erotica haven’t even bothered trying to read this. I should have told her I help out on a porn blog. That would have been a better story to share in the line at Chapters.
I loved this (and shared the link to it on the other blog). This whole stupid 50 media frenzy is infuriating from start to finish! There’re people saying it’s a bad book, there’re people saying it’s a filthy book. But nobody’s saying, “Hey, actually there’s a lot of really good erotic writing to read!”
AMEN!!!! ” I’m a proud mom who reads erotica” !!!
I hate the term ‘Mommy Porn’. It is degrading to me and when my family tells me I write porn, I see red. I write about two (or three) people having a relationship and oh yeah sex…lots of sex.
I write and read erotic romance…where the door isn’t closed on the bedroom and where I can read about two cocks rubbing against one another. Frankly I hate 50sog because I know so many more wonderful and better written BDSM stories that portray this better and more realistically. I actually had one old lady glare at me that as I was at the laundromat one day telling me I should be ashamed of myself reading such filth. *shakes head* Needless to say I didn’t punch her but I did just look u p, stare at her and go back to reading Andrew Grey’s Seven Days book. I love LA’s post and hate that Marie is getting flack. Thank you for putting this up.
Thanks for chiming in, everyone! This whole issue is driving me nuts, especially because most people I talk to don’t understand why it makes my teeth grind. Then of course they assume it’s sour grapes because 50 Shades is selling millions and my stuff…isn’t. To that I say, until you hear me bitching about Harry Potter, don’t assume it has anything to do with sales.
L. A.
I’ve had people do that “titter and giggle” thing when talking about 50sog. I had not read it the first time I heard someone talking about it and was thinking of buying it. But listening to them I just knew it would not be up to par with the erotica I have been reading. Soooo- I still have not read it, and after reading these posts I know I will not be reading it. I love all erotica but in the past two years have become enamored with M/M. As with any fiction, some of these are so-so, some are just plain bad, but some some are so good that they should be the new classics. And “mommy porn”? That bring up some disturbing images. Anyway, my thanks to Cupoporn (and other sites) for providing support and encouragement to all of us women who are sexual beings but who are supposed to supress that sexual interest. We’re coming out of the closet, too.
Amen. Strangely nobody uses the term “daddy porn.” Why?
I was playing an online game the other night–because women do that too. We were on TeamSpeak and somebody brought up 50 shades. He said something along the lines that it was for middle-aged women. I replied that I was a middle-aged woman, but I preferred quality porn. That shut everyone up.
I hadn’t heard the term “mommy porn” before, and I don’t like it. I’m a mom and I read real erotica! Thanks, L.A. for your post and for all your wonderful books. You rock!
Mommy Porn to me after having four children is when the husband does the dishes, the floors, the cooking and the laundry while chasing kids and cats while I sit with my feet up reading ANYTHING anything at all. That’s what my inner mommy wants. One effin hour to do anything that isn’t kid or work related. But about that book, I know way too many talented erotica writers to waste valuable time on that when I could be reading them.
I love m/m porn but whenever I tell people their eyes bug out. I publish a “feminist” magazine, but evidently feminists are just supposed to shut their eyes and think of Susan B. Anthony when they have sex. I have heard so many women go gaga over 50 Shades and they are shocked when I tell them it’s too tame for me. Not to mention it’s so badly written that for an editor it was like being driven over 50 miles of potholes — so jarring my teeth hurt. I couldn’t even finish the Kindle sample, but to each her own.
PRICELESS.
I love the post and all the comments. The first BDSM book I read was one of your Lori, and I loved it….*S* I haven’t stop reading the genre since.
I’m a grown adult woman who married young, raised my kids, but still young enough in mind and spirit to enjoy a good erotic romance or erotica without having to make excuses for it. I live, I breath and still have a sex drive.
I laugh hysterically when I hear the term “mommy porn”, as only an idiot without two brain cells to rub together can coin such a phrase.
Every time I pull out my e reader during my breaks & lunch someone always ask what I’m reading. It used to be depending who was asking them my answer would vary. I had a guy in his mid 50′ ask me what I was reading last week has he passed behind me in the break room. He apparently saw the book cover as his response was, “So you read that romance stuff?” It was just hard to control my laughter as I really could have been sarcastic, but told him it wasn’t his Mama’s romance. It shut him right up…as he quickly walked away. He evidently thought I was “too old” to read that stuff …*beg*.
I’ll keep ready what I want whether others like it or not, and please…someone needs to come up with a new catch phrase..mommy porn is just plain wrong!